THE DAY I MISSED MYSELF

An Unknown Destination forever......

The cold morning comedown in my life is somehow different than the usual one..The afternoon is beautiful too..the sun rays are warm..not hot..the trees perform a sensuous waltz..branches and leaves are in delectable harmony..the air touches my cheeks and my lips curl into a smile..I don’t know why I am finding this particular afternoon to be so appealing..I cannot find a reason for this heartfelt happiness..the plant that sits on my window sill has reared a flower and a golden light seems to be emanating from it..maybe it’s a trick played by light on my eyes or perhaps its my imagination.After a long time, I am feeling happy..really happy..its a feeling I am fondling in my arms and giving expression through my eyes..maybe, because the present circumstances are going in my favor..however the eyes which appear to be sparkling are soon clouded by an unsettling aura of emotions..the fringed curtains fall once..twice..and shimmering drops of water slide down my cheeks..suddenly every single object around me starts to ridicule..they are mocking me..the flower stares at me with false delight..my heart and mind get engaged in a terrible conflict which results in some more overflow of emotions commonly referred to as “tears”.Someone is calling me and I curse that person.People are insensitive..non co-operating and damn practical..I would prefer to use that hated word..’logical’...they try to define and categorize everything..starting from political views to relationships..I cannot wait to talk to that person..but I know..this is transient...I am standing at the edge of a dark bottomless pit..if I put one wrong foot then I will fall..never to come up..however there is something about this darkness which is so inviting..comforting..it provides me with solace..gives me shelter when I want to hide from this world..I have not felt the slash of metal for a long time..the need is growing more and more powerful..and the world is becoming a hostile place for me..everything has to be told..but it is ironical that everything cannot be told..Few things are meant to be understood..God has equipped every human being with those two wonderful tools of expression called ''eyes''..Unfortunately there is no language assigned for them..even if there is..then people are disastrously blind..and if ears can speak..then people are abysmally deaf...Once I saw a little girl building a sand castle..it was beautiful..the girl molded the sand into proper dimensions..Her hands like that of a mother petting her child..the girl’s eyes glimmered with hope and when she finished her smile was that of satisfaction..however this happiness could not be tolerated by the ocean...the dark waters of Neptune...like a stalking predator..crept up and destroyed the castle in one cruel wave which crashed onto the beach like a merciless taskmaster`s whip..The eyes which had been shining with hope then..are still shining...but not with hope anymore...tears run down her cheeks as she watches the destruction of something which she created so lovingly..expectantly..in a similar manner people become helpless witness to crumbling relationships..these relationships get washed away by the cruel world..this world..which is filled with people who are even more ruthless than the ocean..oh no..that person is still calling and I have to go now..the afternoon is no longer beautiful..the sun rays are scorching..not warm and the trees have stopped their “sensuous waltz”. 

 

                                                                                                         Samim Usuf Hayder,nbmc'10

                                                                                                         SBH,14-March-2010(2:37am)